Right Between the Eyes

Sometimes. Not always, but sometimes it hits me. And when it does, it’s right between the eyes.

smileY

I usually wake up relatively rested and in a decent mood with a plan (albeit sketchy) for the day. A bit like the Little Engine that Could who didn’t realize its small size, I chug along day to day, content about what I have and what I can do.

But when it hits, it hits hard. It’s a stark realization of who I am and what I am; and with that, a realization of who I am not and what I will never be again.  I am struck with the reality of my physical condition and the magnitude of my limitations.  Sometimes I am more than struck. I am overwhelmed by what I cannot do.

I thought it was temporary, just until I got a kink worked out of/with my legs. Medication or physical therapy would come to the rescue and I would be able to walk straight enough to move forward.  But it never happened. There’s still not enough medication to straighten some parts of my body from the spasticity that MS is plaguing me with. And physical therapy could not make some parts of my body strong enough to carry or override other parts. So, while I was looking for and waiting for the right fix, I became sedentary. Sitting isn’t so bad I told myself. We equate sitting to resting, so perhaps I am simply resting long-term. But some days, usually only parts of days, but some whole days, I realize that I will never walk again.  And it makes me sad.

From a young age, I was taller than my peers and my height was something I learned to enjoy. I was often asked how tall I was. As a girl, I was certain there would never be a tall enough man for me to be shorter than. As a teenager, the basketball coach (not knowing my level of coordination) was after not only me but my father for me to join the high school team. As an adult, I was often asked to reach things in the supermarket for those not blessed with height. I grew to be a tall woman at 5 feet 11 inches.  I did find a wonderful man who stood and still does stand by my side, both literally and figuratively.   I wasn’t particularly good at it, but I enjoyed running and otherwise making my legs move fast. Walking was often a competition with myself to see how fast I could arrive places and accomplish tasks. Mr. Legs remembers when he could hardly keep up with me. I played basketball for fun through many years, and especially liked playing with my kids.

97- 1977 playing basketball  96- playing basketball

But those days are gone. Forever. Things are different now.

I will never, in this lifetime, run or even walk again. Nobody asks me anymore how tall I am. You sure can’t tell now as I sit in a scooter that I’m 5 foot 11 inches.  I certainly don’t play basketball anymore.  Kind people now ask me what I might need from the top shelf at the grocery store.  At those times when it hits me, my mind wanders to all the things that I will no longer do.   There are still things I can do for myself. But there are a whole lot of things one cannot do from a seated position.  And… I miss being tall and using my legs.  Anybody would.  It’s necessary to process it and grieve, but it’s hard to think about.

The days it hits me are days when it’s best I am alone.  On those days I long for heaven. I claim the promise made of a place with golden streets, fields of flowers, a room prepared for me in the glorious mansion, crowds of those like me praising God, coexisting with angels and, best of all, being in the presence of the One who loves me and saved me….

And then it hits me right between the eyes!

smileY

This?  This is not permanent.  I will someday have a new body and will move with ease again….and that will be permanent.

John 14:3  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.    

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About Climbing Downhill

Wife and mother of grown kids, in my 50's and dealing with MS, making life's moments count and trying to offer something of value to others along the way. https://climbingdownhill.wordpress.com
This entry was posted in MS/Multiple Sclerosis and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to Right Between the Eyes

  1. ruth williams says:

    AMEN!!

  2. patbaker@stny.rr.com says:

    Amen to that!

  3. Rob says:

    Spring can’t come soon enough!!!

  4. chmjr2 says:

    What a great message and an inspiring testament of faith.

  5. Meagan Freeman says:

    This is so poignant and so relatable. You are so right about everything being temporary. This too shall pass! Very well written.

  6. nvlowrey says:

    Wow! You are a such an inspiration! I know it may sound trite, but you really are an inspiration as a woman of faith.

  7. coastalmom says:

    You have such an encouraging blog~ I just wanted to tell you that if you go to your gravatar and include your blog’s address more people could find you. When someone clicks on your name now, just your profile shows up but no address. I am sure you would have more followers if they could get to your blog easier. Not everyone knows how to cutg and paste like I did to find you!
    Just trying to be helpful. 😉

    • Thank you for commenting. I’m grateful you took the time to find my blog and make your helpful suggestion. I didn’t realize the importance of the gravatar’s link to my blog. I think and hope I’ve made the right addition. I enjoyed exploring your blog and look forward to returning to it!

  8. Catherine says:

    Your post is refreshing as you share despite obstacles here on earth, God does have a place just for you, peace eternally. In the meantime, he’s using us mightily for his good. Your blog is such a great example of that! 🙂

    • Catherine! It’s so nice to have you back blogging and reading. I’ve missed you, friend. I wish you didn’t understand, but at the same time am so grateful for your understanding. Like you say, He’s not finished with us yet.

      • Catherine says:

        🙂 True understanding my friend. You have impacted my life more than you know. Your strength, encouragement and beautiful smile give me courage to fight the good fight! Hugs ~

  9. elisa ruland says:

    You are able to express your thoughts and experiences so well, I hope you continue to write and that it becomes a helpful outlet for this challenging journey you’re on. I don’t know anyone with MS and have only read about this terrible disease. Your post was eye opening. I’m impressed by your faith and the strength it gives you. Take good care!

    • Thank you, Elisa. Hope reading it will help when you do meet someone with MS. Please be impressed with God who supplies my faith and strength. He gives it freely to anyone who asks. I look forward to returning to your blog.

  10. Katie J. says:

    Bam! I think a lot of this have had and will have days where reality smacks us between the eyes. (For me, it’s usually nights.) But the sun comes up the next day, and on we go. Good for you for finding a way to keep on…

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